exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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