I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize