If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Couch. On fire.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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