she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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