Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
