Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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