having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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