New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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