I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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