i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
