I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
jump out the window naked night went bad
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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