sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
