So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
