It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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