did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
