At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
