I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
