in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
