I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
