I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
