I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
