You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
