I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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