I'm so fucking centered right now
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
