So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize