My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i barfeds in our rink
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
