no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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