did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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