Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
