I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize