i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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