K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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