Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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