so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
