I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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