I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
