4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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