he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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