ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
