and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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