Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
