And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
