I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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