i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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