no, he came in my armpit
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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