I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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