We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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