i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
