I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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