We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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