The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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