I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
