the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
