Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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