i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
