I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
