Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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