Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
its not stalking. its research.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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